Waiting again.

I had a Zoom appointment with my oncologist early Friday morning and I forgot how nice it was to see her face. She asked me if I had read the two studies that she had picked from the 8 clinical trials that had been put before her by the research team and whether or not I had a favorite. We both picked the same one but she told me that the first trial that comes up is the one I should do. "So we are going to let fate decide?" I asked and Dr Li said "Yes, sometimes that's the best." Honestly this is how I roll anyway and it gives me hope in a weird way...Too often those in authority speak with a conviction and ego and I hate that, there is no room for possibilities in these conversations and I find them depressing and oppressive. She also told me that I am a high priority and that they will keep searching for new trials, her and the research team. This is not to say that one person is better than the other but when you as a patient refuse to do the things in your own power to help yourself such as eating foods that are fortifying even when you don't feel like eating or getting out of bed (if you are capable) to at least walk a few laps in your living room at the minimum and if you are unable to get out of bed to at least wiggle your fingers and toes! I think it can be disheartening to those who are trying to help, it's kind of like using a garden hose on a huge house fire. If you are waiting for someone else to do all of the work in your own healing you are not doing yourself nor your practitioners any favors...Honestly it's a bummer. Even if you are ultimately going to die from your disease, maybe you can learn things along the way...It beats sitting around waiting for a savior or a perfect pill...Basically, if you show that you are a willing participant in your own healing people will be more invested in your outcome and I think that could potentially make a difference.

Who knows? I can only speak from my own experiences. I can say that as a massage therapist for 20+ years, my clients that expected me to do all of the work only got so far without participating in their own potential progress. Clients who sought out different modalities as well as following certain regimens that pertained to their own issues found greater success. When people asked me to fix them I would tell them I could only help facilitate healing...I know that can be disappointing to some but it's true and some people will never realize that because they just won't try, unfortunately.

I watched my mom live her life in a way where she always expected someone to rescue her, she never really tried to help herself in the way that could have changed the direction of her life...There were moments but then she would give up, it was aggravating and disappointing, I think this is a reason for why I am the way I am. I see my mom in the mirror sometimes and it scares me. When I was little I would do anything to be like her and as I grew up I changed my mind, I definitely didn't want to wait for anyone to rescue me, I wanted to keep my power if that makes sense, though maybe I have gone overboard with self reliance in my past. Cancer has taught me that accepting help from community is not shameful, admittedly that was a bit difficult for me to get to and it's not the same as waiting to be rescued. The lengths some of us go to not to turn into our mothers 🙄

Side note: My mom wasn't all bad, she was just broken and that clearly made an impression on me. I am still working through everything and I most likely will be for a long time. Thank you for witnessing my process.

My abscess is still abscessing but I went in to train for my new part time job anyway, it's amazing that I am able to do this, wish me luck!

Tomorrow I will start back to work on my mosaic, I am a little too tired today.

Until next time ❤️