The mind game.

I have no idea what Wordle is though I see the posts on social media over and over AND over 😳 I am sure if I looked up the game I would most likely be sucked into it too but I am one of those annoying people that often (though not ALWAYS) put off what everyone is into until the fever has passed or not at all. The ”Sound Of Music” is like that for me, I adamantly refused to watch it even with the encouragement of my lovely and now departed mother in law…I blame the stubborn Norwegian percentage of my blood, it makes me ridiculous sometimes and even though I am aware of this…I still will probably never watch The Sound Of Music even if you put fire to my feet or threatened to play Michael Buble’s version of “Santa Baby” on repeat…On second thought that might actually do it but please don’t be that cruel, ha! Speaking of being Norwegian I find it really annoying and offensive that white nationalist douche bags have taken on Norse religion and iconography as their own but I digress…

Anyway, let’s talk about mind games. This comes up for me specifically because I am feeling really good…Almost normal, though my Frankenbutt is a clear example of my trial by sword and fire and the wounds still weep fluid, my body is showing signs of healing. The wounds that I referenced shrunk in depth from 6cm in the original abscessed malignant wound to 1.6cm deep in 2 weeks time…My wound care nurse had to check the numbers twice, this is not normal for a malignant wound, they don’t often heal at all let alone show this kind of progress. That is not to say that this kind of healing never happens, there is not a cancer that has existed that is 100% fatal, maybe 99.9% but there is ALWAYS a chance, this particular quick healing is extraordinary. I am on a clinical trial and so far it is working, my mind whispering “So far…At least for now…now…now…” I get annoyed with my mind sometimes, it can be such a drag and I wouldn’t put up with that from others…I just literally heard my mind say “But still.” Another volley of the mind ball. My body feels better than ever and wants to take advantage of this time whether fleeting or not and my heart agrees, making my eyes leak tears as my thumbs write the words that indeed come from my mind yet are dictated by the rest of my being. The game can become a battle of wills in me but the mind agrees that we might as well push on as it seems it is possible 🙄 that we may be here awhile. I have been practicing and teaching myself the bass guitar with the intention of someday being able to play in a band, though sometimes this feels impossible I keep at it almost everyday and I have started to massage people in a limited capacity building up my strength and endurance slowly. My body aches but in a good way, yet still my mind waits for bad news and my heart tells the mind to fuck off, my mind yelling back “Well you could just stop! We don’t HAVE to die of cancer!” I would separate these two but they have to work together and sometimes they do.

I realize I am absurd but life is absurd so why pretend it’s not? This blog is a true reflection of my inner self or at least a portion of it, we have to keep some things private even if our book is mostly open.

I have another clinical trial appointment on Monday. My mind isn’t too worried, the body feels really good but it’s always ready to say “I told you so.” And so the game continues but maybe eventually it will lessen its grip on potential imminent disaster and be a little more in line with my heart as my inner child laughs and embraces the joy she feels at the idea that we can still have fun and go on adventures. I really like how she thinks.

Until next time ❤️